Building the Self-Esteem to Shine Brighter
The 5 pillars to an unleashed version of yourself.
One of the most challenging and rewarding journeys you'll embark on, is to build the self esteem to shine your light and express your gifts imperfectly.
Why? Because your light and your gifts represent some of the most intimate, vulnerable and protected aspects of who we are... Yet they are also our most potent offerings to the world.
The interesting fact about self-esteem is that it’s not a personality trait. It’s not confidence. It’s also not something you either “have” or don’t.
In this written piece, I will share with you 5 pillars necessary to build unshakable self-esteem. For each pillar, I share a prompt that will help you go deeper, and an invitation at the end for those willing to go deeper.
What the hell is self esteem… truly?
Self-esteem is more about capacity than anything else. I like to think of it as the measure of the quality of the relationship you have with yourself. Your true self.
More precisely, it is the nervous system’s learned trust that you will not abandon yourself when things get uncomfortable.
That trust is not built through affirmations. It is built through lived experience, and through every choice you make.
Your self-esteem is a muscle. And I want to take you through what it looks like to grow it. Especially the unique type of self esteem needed to shine your light imperfectly.
Self-Esteem Is Not Self-Image
From a psychological perspective, self-esteem is not about thinking highly of yourself.
It’s about knowing at a cellular level that you can face pain, fear, imperfection, and uncertainty without turning against yourself.
In simpler terms your self esteem grows when you have evidence that you can stay present with what is hard… inside you and around you.
Think of it as a skill, more than something that is innate.
The First Pillar: Trusting Yourself to Face Pain
Self-esteem begins the moment you stop outsourcing your safety.
Every time you turn toward a fear you once avoided, something inside you registers: “I can trust myself to be with this.”
Facing pain does not mean reliving it endlessly. Quite the opposite. It means no longer organizing your life around avoiding it. There is something liberating in that. Would you agree?
When you trust yourself to face your past, your grief, your shame, or your anger, you reclaim the psychic energy that you once used to try to avoid them. For many people, not reclaiming that energy is precisely why they are stuck.
That reclaimed energy directly fuels your self esteem.
I’ve seen hundreds of people reclaim incredible creative capacity when I’ve guided them through this process.
Prompt:
One fear or pain I am committing to meet more honestly this year is…
The Second Pillar: Self-Acceptance of what you see as unlikable within
Self-esteem does not require “liking” everything about yourself. It will require that you build the capacity to accept what you find unlikable within yourself, or at least to have some compassion for it.
Many people confuse self-improvement with self-rejection of what you perceive as unlikable within.
They push themselves forward while silently despising the parts that aren’t “there yet.”
But the psyche does not grow under self contempt or self shame. The issue is that many people know this intellectually but are not in a place where they live this yet.
Self-esteem deepens when shortcomings are met with grace and compassion, not the wrath of your inner critic.
Prompt:
A part of me that craves my own love and patience right now is…
The Third Pillar: Honoring Small Promises
This one is a catalyst. If this is the only thing you commit to, it will change things drastically. I’ve lived it.
Every small promise you make to yourself is a psychological contract.
When you honor it, even imperfectly, your psyche learns: “My word to myself matters.”
And as a result, your self esteem grows.
This is how inner authority is formed.
This is how the inner sovereign replaces the inner critic.
The caveat is, when it comes to things that are tremendously intimate and vulnerable such as shining your light and expressing your gifts, most people walk on a trail of broken promises. This is why self sabotage is higher in these areas.
For me, committing to writing daily and sharing it online over the last 8 years (especially as a non-native English speaker) is how I built the self esteem to claim the identity of a writer.
It was about showing to myself that I would keep showing up without waiting to feel ready.
That single promise changed my identity and eventually became my first book Scars of Gold. If you haven’t read it yet, I highly suggest it.
Prompt:
A small promise I choose to make to myself this month and honor, is…
The Fourth Pillar: Claiming Desire Without Guarantee
A fragile self-esteem only allows desire when success feels likely.
A mature self-esteem allows desire even when failure is possible.
To want something deeply and admit it to yourself, is an act of courage. Not letting the absence of what you desire cause you to reject yourself where you are, is also what a healthy self-esteem looks like.
Desire exposes vulnerability. It exposes longing. It also exposes the risk of disappointment. That’s the reason why most people won’t event be honest with what they truly want.
But when you allow yourself to reclaim your desires honestly, you also stop shrinking your future to protect yourself or your current identity.
That is self-esteem on steroids.
Prompt:
Something I deeply want but have been hesitant to fully claim is…
The Fifth Pillar: Building the capacity to approach the Unknown
Self-esteem is revealed most clearly at the edge of the known.
It is the felt sense that even if you don’t know how things will unfold, you can meet what comes without betraying yourself.
This is where shining your light becomes terrifying. You just have no way of anticipating how the world will respond to it. I call it “holy powerlessness”.
Why powerlessness? Because you absolutely have no control over how your gifts will be received, even if you convince yourself otherwise.
Why holy? Because it is a powerful threshold where you don’t just reclaim more of your freedom, but you also build tremendous self-esteem.
It is the initiation that none of us escapes.
Can you relate?
Prompt:
A small way I can begin to shine my light more that feels like leaning into the unknows is…
Shining Imperfectly Is the Work
Or more accurately, building the self-esteem to shine your light imperfectly is part of the work.
Building the self-esteem to let your authenticity run the show in all areas of your life, is the work.
Many soulful, gifted people feel stuck not because they lack clarity or depth.
But because they have not built the self-esteem required to embody what they already know intellectually.
Healing work and shadow work does not exempt us from this.
Spiritual insights will not bypass it.
At some point, the work becomes very simple and also very confronting:
Can I show up as I am, where I am, without abandoning myself?
An Invitation
I have a couple spots left for private 1:1 journeys available for people who feel this edge in 2026.
I designed them to help you take your voice, your mission and your impact out of the shadow.
If you feel this threshold in your body, if something in you knows it’s time to stop dimming, hiding, or postponing then reply to this email with “PRIVATE” and let’s talk.
In gratitude,
- Xavier
It is remarkable to me how I had a coaching session today where literally THIS theme came up. A part of me was needing love and patience (the exact words I used) plus stillness. That I felt vulnerable admitting what I actually desire and exploring those parts. So wild.
all of this was so good and on time, but pillar 4? whew, that one really landed in an interesting way!