Making peace with being bold and slightly outrageous

Lessons learned from writing my book's first manuscript

Last week I did something that my former self would consider bold and even slightly outrageous. At least that’s how it felt in my body. I submitted the first manuscript of my upcoming debut book: scars of gold. Even writing about it now feels a bit surreal.

It’s something that has been on the back burner of my psyche and that I’ve wanted for a while, yet doing it felt unnatural.

It’s as if I had broken a rule that I had lived by for decades. An old vow. Weird, isn’t it?

Some of the things you desire the most, will often feel unnatural and disorienting once they are realized, and that’s okay. That’s what entering a new paradigm often feels like.

I’d like to share with you 7 lessons I learned from immersing myself in the journey of writing that manuscript.

Before I spill the beans (please bear with me here), a little back story.

I’ve been arguing with my soul about embracing this book project for years and I truly committed to it in April of last year after an acquisition editor from Hay House reached out to work on a book proposal.

The journey of crystalizing the book idea into a solid proposal, was an initiation of its own. I thought that coming up with it would take me just a couple of months… Well, I was wrong. It took me 8 months.

While I could say that it’s because besides writing I was also running my business, facilitating workshops, or being a family man with 3 young kids, deep down there was something else going on.

I’ve been writing online, posting on social media, writing a newsletter for years… but this was a different animal.

Every time I sat to write, it’s as if my soul took me into a cosmic therapy session. It felt like all my shadows and insecurities came flying out.

Writing this book has felt on a somatic level like getting naked for the entire world to see. Can you relate to that feeling?

It’s a feeling I know very well, yet meeting it at that level was a next edge.

I finally entered into contract with Hay House in April 2024 and agreed to submit the first manuscript by September 2024, which I did.

This summer has been one of the greatest initiations so far in my life. I’ve had to embrace surrender at levels that I hadn’t done before. I’ve had to become a more devoted student of my own work and practice with more intention everything I teach.

There’s still a long journey before the book is published, which is supposed to happen during the summer of 2025. But I’d like to share with you 7 lessons I received from the journey of writing this manuscript.

1.

If you take your light too seriously, you won’t allow yourself to shine it

Perfectionism is so invasive. We often do not realize how it can hijack our gifts and our brightness. If diamonds and gold took themselves too seriously, they wouldn’t be found in dirt.

I’ve hard to let go of wanting to find the “perfect” words to transmit an idea. Obsessing over it, and constantly editing myself often stifled the flow of creativity.

The reality is that if you take your craft too seriously, you won’t allow it to be revealed to the world (or it will be done through intense resistance) because deep down you know that not everyone will treat it with as much reverence as you do.

2.

The choices that will empower you the most, will challenge you the most

This book project has invited me to revisit my personal history under new lenses. It has been the most challenging and liberating thing I’ve done so far. I’ve had to meet pockets of shame and depression I didn’t know I was still carrying.

Since the book is about shadow integration and self liberation, the process of writing it has been about that for me too. I also realized that I resisted writing it for years because I knew that there was going to be a challenging “undoing” that I would have to go through. As the process of refining the book certainly continues, I do not regret any of it.

3.

You cannot take how people will respond to your craft personally and be free

We have a tendency to take personally how people will react to what we create. And I get it. When I get nasty comments on a post I put out there, it stings sometimes.

I thought about that often when I was in deep writing. And you know what the impact was? I noticed how I would sometimes dilute what I really wanted to say. There were times where I was more concerned with accommodating the future readers instead of honoring my resonance. And I’ve had to stop myself.

Some people will find some of the concepts I bring in this book outrageous, and that’s okay.

To you, your light is personal. I get it. Your authenticity is personal I get it. But the responses or reactions that people will have to it, are not.

The way other people respond to your authenticity, your light, and your gifts, is not personal. It’s vibrational.

4.

Wanting your light to be beyond reproach and scrutiny, is a form of narcissism

If you think you don’t have a shred of self righteousness and narcissism within you, think again. Just pay attention to the things you deeply value. I mean deeeeeply value. These are the things we often defend like mad animals.

I noticed during the process of writing how I wanted to shield myself from the possibility of criticism. That feeling was especially intensified when I was writing about concepts that I felt pretty attached to.

It’s as if I was writing from a place of wanting to be beyond reproach, and that’s an inverted form of pride and narcissism.

Why? Because it is equivalent to wanting to put my writing on a pedestal. I’ve had to keep that tendency in check.

This may be hard to hear, but wanting to have your light and your craft beyond reproach and scrutiny is a subtle form of narcissism. I believe we all have it to a certain degree. And it is important not to let it run the show.

5.

Unleashing your brightness will demand the highest degrees of humility

This one is a natural consequence of the previous point. If you really wish to do meaningful work, humility will most likely have to be the foundation. This is not a form of humility that reject your light. Instead, it honors your humanness.

Submitting the manuscript to my editor has anchored that feeling of humility even more, because I trust that receiving her feedback will certainly better the work.

Sharing your work so that it gets to be seen by someone else (this could also be your audience or people around you), demands humility. Sharing your authenticity and your light with the world demands that type of humility.

6.

You have to be willing to shine your light imperfectly to create anything meaningful

This is one of the most important points if you ask me. I like to put it this way: your soul IS light, and you human self shines it.

You have to make the choice to let your light shine. Expecting of yourself to do that perfectly, is not compassionate. I’d even go as far as saying that it dehumanizes you because it is akin to expecting of yourself not to be human.

Please take it easy on yourself. That became my mantra when what I was writing didn’t feel mind blowing.

7.

The more your shadow, fears and insecurities act out, the nearer your light is

During this writing process, I’ve had intense shadow flares. I don’t consider myself to be a very anxious person, but I’ve had episodes of anxiety that were pretty intense.

What I’ve noticed almost every time, is that the intensification of shadow flares, fears or anxiety, were my intuition inviting me to surrender to the journey more deeply.

I could keep writing thousands of words about what I learned this process and I might share more in another essay.

The reason why I am sharing all of this with you is because of my hope that these distinctions will help you unleash more of your brightness in your own way.

That’s also why if any of this is resonating with you, I’m inviting you to join me for my next immersion SEEN. The journey begins in a week from now.

SEEN is infused with the distinctions, tools and practices that I had to use in order to embrace the journey of writing scars of gold.

I like to think of SEEN as the medicine wheel of unleashed self expression. Every week, for 6 weeks, we will explore a new dimension of what it looks like to unleash your authenticity and your craft to the world around you. This will include signature somatic and shadow integration journeys, along with group facilitation and hot seat coaching.

SEEN is one of my most dynamic journeys and it will not leave you unchanged. Please head over HERE for more details and to save your seat for this immersion.

In gratitude and reverence,

— Xavier

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“SEEN was an incredible experience of bein SEEN and witnessing others do the same. The material was so high level and embodied at the same time. The integration journeys were truly transformational for me. The community was a crucial piece of getting comfortable seeing and being seen."

- Allison Dru, Psychologist, Reiki master & spiritual guide