Rebuilding self-esteem when your self-trust runs low
The energetic foundation no one tells mission driven people to build first
Before we dive into the promise of the title of this written piece, I have a personal share just for more context.
I was maybe eleven or twelve years old when the guitar became my constant companion.
It was a beat up classic guitar my dad no longer touched. I became mesmerized by it to the point where at some point it lived on my bed, so that I could reach for it whenever I wanted.
My dad showed me some basics, but I mostly taught myself… figuring out chords and learning songs by ear.
Music lessons were a luxury my family couldn’t afford and this was also pre-internet times so I raw-dogged learning that guitar. To me it didn’t matter.
Playing guitar was ‘my’ thing. It was something I did just because I enjoyed it, without anyone asking me to. This criteria is very important when it comes to rebuilding self-esteem. Just keep hanging there with me.
In my late 20s and early 30s, playing guitar took a back seat. I went months at a time without playing. And each time I noticed that I didn’t play as much as I wanted to, I felt a bit disappointed in myself.
I had beautiful rationalizations not to play. I was too busy working on reinventing myself after a dark night of the ego. Then I became ‘too’ devoted to my practice. Then came becoming a dad when I hit 30, and having my priorities radically shift… The list is endless.
I still have glorious reasons why not to play as much as I want to. My life hasn’t gotten less busy. Sometimes it feels like a glorious chaos. Working from home, homeschooling 3 kids, and many other projects…
When I turned 37 this year, something shifted. I always disliked the thought of having retirement or “when life gets calmer” projects. I just feel like sometimes these are lies we tell ourselves to rationalize not committing to something meaningful.
I realized I had done this with guitar playing.
So I decided to recommit to it in my own way. I already owned an acoustic and an electric guitar. I didn’t really feel the emotional connection with them. So I decided to get a classic guitar. Nylon strings. The type my inner child resonated with.
That guitar won’t live in my bed. I don’t think my wife would be okay with that :).
Instead it lives in my office now. When I take a breather from work, it has become the first thing I reach for, instead of picking up my phone.
I recommitted just with the intention of reconnecting with something that once meant a great deal to me. Something I do purely for me. Thirty minutes a day, sometimes less, sometimes more, no pressure whatsoever.
I started learning how to play some classical guitar pieces just by reading sheet music alone. Even though I have a love hate relationship with reading music, my younger self would be proud. I’ll share below an imperfect excerpt of a piece I am working on now (Asturias by Isaac Albeniz).
This simple practice alone has had an impact on my self-esteem and self trust that I didn’t see coming.
I like to think of self-esteem as the energetic tide that lifts all boats. The boats here being the different areas of your life and the projects you have going on.
When pouring into yourself stops hitting the spot
There are many things I do to pour into myself. I’ve been meditating consistently for nearly 14 years. Rarely missing a day. Same thing with working out and moving my body in different ways.
If you're in service (you're a coach, a healer, a practitioner, a guide of any kind) you may already know this… Even your self-care becomes a tool to serve others.
You meditate so you can show up clearer for your clients. If you are a parent, you regulate your nervous system so that you can show up grounded for your kids. You move your body so you can hold better energy.
Yes, all these things are for you first, AND they help you serve more effectively too.
Over the last few years, I started to feel slightly turned off by that. Because everything I did had the hidden purpose to help me serve better.
I realized that I needed more things I do just because they pour into me, period. Simply because I love it. Not because it serves a grander vision. And as I say that, I also know that it is not possible to fully separate both.
That’s what motivated my return to the guitar.
What I didn’t foresee is that practicing guitar became a self-esteem builder for me.
What Is a Self Esteem Builder?
A self esteem builder is an activity you commit to with one purpose and one purpose only: to help you raise your self-esteem and pour into you. That’s how I define it.
I am aware that there are many ways to raise your self esteem. But I like the one I’m about to share with you.
One of the ways I like to see self esteem is your trust in your capacity to show up and follow through on something that is meaningful to you.
The first purpose of a self esteem builder is not to raise your productivity, your output, or even your capacity to serve. These may happen as a byproduct.
It pours into your own cup. It does so every time you show up for something that is uniquely meaningful to you. It has a direct impact on your trust in yourself and of course your relationship with your own worth.
Here's what that actually looks like:
It's intrinsically motivated. You do it because you want to, not because you should. No one is forcing you. It resonates uniquely with you. No external pressure is attached. No one else gets to define it or redirect it. This is the most important characteristic: it’s an expression of a commitment you have with yourself, full stop.
It's performance-free. It carries no obligation, no metric of success, no way to fail. Nothing needs to necessarily come out of it. It doesn’t need to be “useful”. For me, the guitar doesn't need to become publishable. It doesn't need to impress anyone or generate income or prove anything. Sure, I have piece I want to learn, but I don’t beat myself up if I suck at them.
It's a commitment you honor with yourself. Self trust is built through follow-through on your own word. When you say you'll show up, you show up imperfectly. The cadence is yours to define… daily, weekly, or monthly. What matters is that you choose it and you honor it. And when you miss it, you don’t unleash the inner critic. You just return to it.
It fills you up. This doesn’t mean that it has to be an easy activity. You might be into running but haven’t done it in a while. Even though it may be physically tiring at the end it still fills your soul. It's nourishing by design. A point of return to yourself.
I like to see these 4 points as the pillars of self esteem builders. Do you have any activities that fit these points? Please share below.
The Shadows You'll Meet
Committing to a self esteem builder isn't frictionless. It invites you to meet shadows you may have been living with, probably without naming them.
There's the perfectionism impulse. Even in something pressure-free, you may want to show up flawlessly every time. You might see missing a day like a failure in your mind. You’ll have to challenge you inner critic here.
There's the unworthiness wound. Sometimes we don't commit to things just for us because deep down we're not sure we deserve nourishment that doesn't serve anyone else. A self esteem builder exposes that belief. It asks: do you think you're worthy of care that benefits no one but you? I have seen this one come up a lot in many clients. Even though you know that it will also serve other areas of your life, doing it might feel indulgent. Can that be okay?
A self-esteem builder is usually an activity we tend to de-prioritize when life gets challenging. This practice will expose that for you. It will ask you to examine why you are the first one to get de-prioritized when life gets challenging.
There's the productivity shadow. You've spent so long making everything count, making everything serve a purpose, that the idea of doing something and having it mean nothing except that you did it might even terrify you. It might feel wasteful or even wrong.
These are just a few of the shadows that might emerge. These shadows all invite you to rewrite the script around how you prioritize things that are meaningful to you.
Why it matters.
Self esteem is the energetic foundation of your ability to consciously express your power. When you have genuine self esteem (not arrogance, but real trust in yourself) you feel more enabled to affect change in your life. You feel more capable of creating. You feel resourced.
If you have an ambitious goal. If there's something you wish to build here's my invitation: create a self esteem builder alongside it.
An activity that allows you to pour into your own cup, to build your capacity to show up, to generate the spiritual fuel and self esteem real estate you'll need to actually go create what you want to create.
I keep seeing it in my life. It generates a rising tide that lifts everything you do.
Finding Your Own
So how do you identify a self esteem builder? Here are some questions:
Is there something you've always wanted to explore but have pushed aside? Something you loved before responsibility took over? Something that calls to you not because it's useful but because it's meaningful?
Can you commit to it without attaching external pressure? Without needing it to become anything or prove anything?
Does the thought of showing up to it fill your cup or drain it?
Can you do it playfully, imperfectly, without shame?
If you answer yes to these, you've found it. Now the work is simple: show up. Honor your commitment. Meet the shadows. Return with grace.
I’ll leave you with the piece I mentioned above that I am learning now. I am not even halfway through the piece yet. There are so many mistakes and there’s a point where it feels like I’m fighting with the guitar. But man, it just fills my heart.
If this spoke to you even remotely, thank you for reading, and please share below what emerges for you.
In gratitude and reverence,
- Xavier