The awakening of your inner father - Part 2
A letter from the wounded father
Father’s day is most likely one of the most charged celebrations. The father wound can be deep and intense. The ramifications are huge and it impacts your self concept as well as your relational blueprint. I will dedicate another essay to the father wound.
Accepting the role of father is for some men one of the biggest initiations. I know it was for me. Almost every time I have to do deep integrative coaching work with someone, we get to explore their father wound and father shadow. Going into these places with a renewed level of compassion can create some of the deepest shifts. It can create the deepest self liberation and a renewed sense of safety within yourself.
For anyone who has ever struggled with a father wound, there is often the inner child within who dreams and fantasizes about receiving some words of love and care from their father. That inner child aspect is one of the most tender parts we get to meet with love and reparent. Sometimes that involves grieving the version of the father you wanted but will never have.
I know this may be very challenging to read. But I’m inviting you to take a deep breath and bear with me.
This awareness is what inspired me to write a poem that I called letter from the wounded father. This poem is the love letter and words of affirmation that your inner child may crave today.
This essay is the second installment of a series I started about awakening the inner father archetype. You can find the first piece HERE.
At the end I offer you 5 safety affirmations that have the capacity to change the way you feel in relationship to yourself as it comes to the father wound.
Poem: letter from the wounded father
I am sorry I left
Sometimes I did physically
Most times it was emotionally
I was gone even when I was there
Battling inner wars I couldn't share
Beneath my armor, I was tormented by fear
I was never running from you
I was trying to outrun my pain
I spent so much time worrying about providing
And not nearly enough focused on being loving
I could see your open heart and pure innocence
I wish I'd had the strength
To treat it with more reverence
I could see you craved my presence
But giving it to you
would've forced me to bestow it to myself
You came into my heart as a wrecking ball
After the first glance, you broke through my walls
The truth is, I never felt worthy of the purity of your love
What did I do to deserve you
Was being your father merely enough?
You came as a gift
And my insecurities painted you as a curse
Feeling worthy of you calling me dad
was a luxury I haven't been able to afford
I wasn't ready to meet my wounds
I wasn't ready to meet with love
the parts of me that I once buried so well
In hopes to never see them again
Loving you fully, would've meant opening my heart to them
I didn't know how to deal with that kind of pain
And I failed the initiation
I failed you
I wish I could've been you rock
I wish I could've protected you more
from the darkness of the world
I couldn't even protect you from my own
I couldn't look at myself
Through the reflection in your eyes
They reminded me way too much
Of the parts of me I was trying to hide
I wanted to give you the world
So at times my sweet escape became my work
The responsibilities that were meant to elevate me
Became a reminder of how I felt: small
I hid my shame behind anger
I projected it through being critical
And as a result
I taught you a distorted version of love
You are not how I treated you
You were never meant
to compensate for my wounds
You are not why I couldn't be there fully
You are worthy of fatherly love
I never felt worthy of yours
I am sorry I couldn't actualize
the love my soul feels for you
that love was beneath my inner fractures
It was there, I promise you
Within you there is a divine inner father
The fatherly side of your inner divinity
Present, consistent, protective, encouraging
Providing and above all: loving
Your presence in my life
was an invitation to find it within myself
And to model it to you
Even though I couldn't get there
Please never doubt that you are worthy of such love5 safety affirmations that can soothe the hearts that ache on father’s day
If you’ve traditionally been struggling with father’s day, these affirmations are for you. I am inviting you to take a deep breath, put a hand on your heart and repeat them out loud.
It is safe for me to love every part of me my dad criticized the most.
It is safe for me to accept all the parts of me my dad couldn’t love.
It is safe for me to remember that I am not responsible for my dad’s absence or emotional unavailability.
It is safe for me to remember that I am worthy of fatherly and masculine love.
It is safe for me to remember that my worthiness is not defined by how my dad mistreated me.
How are these sitting with you? Please share any comment below…
A final note to the dads who have embraced the initiation
I became a father over 5 years ago and to this day it is one of the most potent awakenings I’ve been through… and the deepening continues.
To all the men who have embraced the calling, and to anyone else who plays the role of father figure, please receive my ultimate reverence. I see you. I see the moments of doubts and when you feel like the responsibility is heavy. As challenging as it may feel, please remember that you are needed… way more than you know. Let’s keep going.
In gratitude and reverence
— Xavier
Beautifully written beginning to ending. Thank you. Thank you so very much. God bless you and your work.
My father was very ill all the years I knew him, dying when I was fifteen. He wasn’t able to participate fully in a father-daughter bond, but of course his illness was to blame, not him.
When I read your poignant poem, I felt it related more to my mother; so I substituted ‘father’ with ‘mother’. It was powerful, and I thank you for sharing your profound and amazing work of art.
Your children are beautiful, and in your wonderful photo it’s clear how much they adore you, and how you adore them. You are such a treasure - not only to your family, but also to your followers. Wishing you a very Happy Father’s Day, Xavier! Thank you for all the goodness you put out into the world!