From emotional inflammation to emotional intimacy

An underrated antidote to avoidance

One of the highest purposes of anger, is to be the sacred fire that welds together what was once broken. The same way fire is used to weld two pieces of iron together, anger - when handled skillfully - is the emotional heat that has the power to reconnect hearts that got out of sync.

Hi there! As you may have guessed, we’re going to talk in this written piece about intimate relationship. You know… the ones where you care enough not to want to let your anger burn them… How do you express anger and hurt, without shutting down your capacity to care?

In my opinion, this goes way beyond learning a few communication tricks, even though said tricks are highly necessary when things get heated.

It’s also necessary to mention that in my experience, even the most loving relationships are not void of heat and conflict. What makes them unique is that conflict is used as an opportunity to deepen intimacy through it.

So how do we go from emotional inflammation to emotional intimacy? That’s what this is about. I share some prompts at the end that may support you with that.

Sometimes primal screaming and pillow punching isn’t enough

I have a background in martial arts. It has served me greatly for impulse control and to romance feelings of aggression without letting them possess me. It’s made me more comfortable with handling heat and pressure and to stay in my body in these moments. To this day, it is still a great part of my practice.

When I started learning some anger release techniques over 11 years ago, I naturally went toward everything that was more active like primal screaming, punching a bag and other similar practices. It was in a way similar to a martial arts practice. So I fell in love with it. Something within me loves to “make things move” with my body.

There are many situations where because of the depth of the anger (and the hurt beneath), the primal exercises would be followed with deep catharsis. I often felt lighter after that.

In my desire to find a healthy outlet for my anger I created what seemed to be a great containment for it. When things felt a little bit too much within after I felt angered by someone, I would remove myself from the situation or take a break from the conversation… and when I could, I would go to the anger dojo as I called it, and I took the edge off. Sometimes that was enough for me to regain a sense of balance and clear mindedness.

There is only one problem. Sometimes after the release, I didn’t really want to reengage, even though I knew that the situations still needed completion. Because I didn’t want to risk blowing up, I would let things slide. That wasn’t true peace. It was a stolen ceasefire. My intent to create a healthy outlet to discharge aggression had become another form of avoidance.

That pattern stayed with me for many years in intimate relationships. I realized that I was using the anger release methods just to take the edge off, yet the deeper issues were not always addressed.

Being with the fire and letting it open your heart

Things started changing drastically in intimate relationships for me when I practiced staying with the fire. Of course that is something very vulnerable. This means staying with the discomfort of feeling as if you are about to blow up in someone’s face, and instead of letting that fire burn everyone involved, you allow it to cauterize the wound, you allow it to illuminate the pain, and you use it as an opportunity to teach the other person how to love you and how you too can love them more.

Instead of allowing that inner fire to harden your heart and to repress your capacity to care, you use it to revive your heart that was in a state of being frozen.

I’ve said this before and I will say it again. Your anger doesn’t “just” want to be released. It doesn’t “just” want to be alchemized.

It wants to support you in performing the alchemy of the hurt that lies beneath it. It wants to help you resolve the inner and outer conflicts that cause your power to leak.

It wants to take a stand for consideration, respect and dignity. It wants to reinstate intimacy in the relationships that matter. It wants to take you out of functional freeze and untie your tongue. It also wants to burn the limitations that keep you from unleashing the potency of your heart.

And when you embrace these invitations, your intimate relationship start to thrive even through conflict.

Here are some prompts for you…

• What scares me about my own anger is…

• If I welcome my anger, what I will no longer be able to avoid is…

• When I get angry at people I love, what I often do is…

• What I don’t like about the way I show up when I am angry at them is…

• How I wish I handled my anger instead is…

What comes up for you as you explore these prompts?

Of course these prompts will only scratch the surface. And if you are ready to go deeper, you’re going to want to join me for the workshop I am hosting this Sunday: Awaken Heart Centered Anger.

Get ready to dive into a psycho somatic exploration of how you can reconcile with the purest nature of anger and turn it into a heart centered forces of self liberation.

The natural outcome of this work is that it takes you out of persistent avoidance, it helps you restore integrity in your life, it helps you anchor deep self respect and deepen intimacy in the most meaningful relationships in your life.

There are less than two days to join the live event. Click HERE to save your spot.

PS: find below some words of appreciation about the previous live workshops.

I’m looking forward to seeing you there.

In gratitude and reverence,

— Xavier