Liberating your Self from the fear of disappointment
The initiation you didn't know you needed
If you try to protect your heart at all cost from the possibility of being disappointed, you'll hardly create anything meaningful.
The relationship you have with disappointment will hugely impact your capacity to create anything meaningful.
Every time you have an expectation or an attachment to something or someone, the thought of potentially being disappointed, is something that you have to contend with.
Because of the many past disappointments you might have experienced on your path, you may be dragging with you a profound aversion to being disappointed.
This can be even more amplified if every time something doesn't happen the way you expect it to, you attach to it meaning that undermines your self worth.
Does any of it resonate?
My intention with this written piece is to share with you a perspective on the fear of disappointment that may deepen your capacity to create, and strengthen your emotional resilience.
I’ll share with you a few prompts at the end that will help you deepen your introspection and self liberation.
Why is it important to transcend this fear?
One of the most torturous questions you’ll ever ask people is “what do you truly want?”
Why is that? Because by admitting to what we deeply desire, we also admit to what getting disappointed would look like.
If the thought of getting disappointed is too unbearable, what we often do is to repress desire. Can you relate?
We don’t even dare confessing to ourselves that we want what we want.
Our fear of disappointment is one of the reasons why admitting to ourselves what we truly want will often feel like an exorcism.
The sobering reality is that you cannot bulletproof your future from the risk of getting disappointed. And even if you could, that would take away the adventurous nature of the human experience.
The question now is how do you deal with this fear?
Dealing with the fear of disappointment
To deal with the fear of disappointment, some people have adopted the school of no expectations or attachments. This is precisely the case in many Buddhists and Eastern spiritual traditions.
I certainly honor how noble and elevated in consciousness that intention may appear. I also think that there is a shadow side to it.
The shadow side of it is a subtle form of escapism that can manifest as not being committed or invested into what you truly want.
If you expect nothing, then you cannot risk getting hurt. Right?
It can cause you not to commit to anything at all because you fear getting “too” attached. It can fuel avoidance in your relationships. It can be the reason why you don’t give it all you’ve got when you have a desire you’d like to achieve.
On the other side, isn’t expecting of yourself to have no expectations, an expectation?
Isn’t being attached to having no attachments, an attachment?
Could it be possible that wanting to have no expectations or attachments can cause us to have an avoidant relationship with our desires, instead of having a secure one with them?
I certainly think it’s often the case.
What do I mean by a secure relationship with your desires? It's about being at a place where your self esteem and worthiness is not conditional on achieving your desires, yet you are fully committed to their realization.
I like to think of it as the line of optimal relationship with your desire. It’s akin to holding opposites in harmonious balance.
Other people choose to deal with the fear of disappointment through finding safety in hopelessness, skepticism and even nihilism.
For them instead of having no expectations, they think it’s just safer to expect nothing positive at all. By doing that, anything positive that happens is nothing but a pleasant surprise, and everything negative that happens doesn’t hurt since it was expected.
I understand how that can sound like a safer strategy, yet it can also condemn you to a life where you ruminate gloom most of the time.
The alchemy of disappointment
Like most fears, our fear of disappointment is usually pain from the past that we project onto the future. It is pointing at the place inside of our psyche where our own love is needed.
This implies that in order to free ourselves from that fear, odds are you’ll have to meet the pain that is still lingering in your body from past disappointments that hasn’t yet been fully metabolized.
Beyond that pain, it will be necessary to disconfirm all the stories you’ve attached to it that undermine your self worth.
Why is that important? Because it will empower you to dream bigger and to let your imagination be fully expressed.
When the possibility of being disappointed no longer scares you, it is easier to live life at the speed of your highest aspirations.
The highest purpose of the fear of disappointment
The highest purpose of the fear of disappointment is to set you free of your attachments and expectations.
It doesn’t mean that you don’t get to have expectations or attachments. It means that you no longer let them possess you.
It means that you no longer let them define your self worth or let them be a condition why you’d see yourself as lovable.
It means that you understand that an expectation unmet does not have the power to disrupt or negate your light and your inherent worthiness.
When this fear no longer cripples you, it becomes safe to dream bigger. It becomes safe to expand more. It becomes safe to attempt to climb bigger mountain.
It also becomes safe not to do anything at all, when that’s what your psyche and your spirit require in order to rejuvenate.
**Prompts
Pay attention to an expectation you have that is loaded with the fear of disappointment and complete the following prompts in the most spontaneous way possible.
The outcome that I am attached to is…
I am attached to it because…
I think this outcome must happen because…
And if it doesn’t happen how I will feel about myself is…
If this outcome doesn’t happen, how I will judge myself is…
The mere thought of not having that outcome unfold makes me feel…
The pain that lies beneath the intensity of this attachment is…
What it would look like to give to myself some grace around this expectation is…
What comes up for you? How is this written piece sitting with you? Please share your comments below and let me know what other topics you’d like to read my thoughts about.
As always, thank you for reading.
In gratitude and reverence,
— Xavier
Xavier, thank you for writing this. I read it exactly in the moment that I needed it. The nudge towards spontaneity for the prompts was very helpful. I was able to let go of control and answer the prompts with integrity and honesty. In the end, I was able to move out of shame and into love for myself.
What comes up often for me is my relationship to worthiness. I often find that what drives and fuels my fear is not feeling or being worthy enough. I'd love to see you write more about worthiness.
Thank you for sharing yourself with us xo
Your writing is alchemical. It hits the right note- is precise and reaches a place of safe entry where the wisdom can be absorbed. The way you write really helps to get around defenses as it’s so gentle and doesn’t invite them. A joy to have found you. Thank you.